How To Kill Off The Conspiracy Theories

This is a message for my friends in the C.I.A.

Hello. How are you? I hope that you are all working hard to defend democracy, freedom, free speech and all these wonderful things your country stands for. And I must apologise for some of the horrid things that people have been saying about you, especially those who have suggested that you hard working soldiers in the "war against terrorism" might actually have orchestrated acts of terrorism. It is, of course, singularly unbelievable that you, as proud American citizens, would commit acts of murder against 3,000 of your fellow citizens or that you would violate the very symbol of America's might: The Pentagon.

It is, of course, idiotic for these conspiracy theorists to imagine that the most patriotic bunch of men and women in the USA - yes, you good people in the C.I.A. - would even dream of committing such crimes. No - not even if it gave you justification for invading Afghanistan and Iraq, not to mention "The Patriot Act" - you fine foot soldiers in your battles against tyranny and oppression would never even consider such acts of barbarity or employ devious strategies to cover up such wrong doings.

I salute you. Long live the democratic republic of The United States Of America. God bless her.

And, as for these scurrilous conspiracy theorists, God damn their souls to hell for trying to undermine your great nation!

But guys, listen up, I've just had a fantastic idea; and I hope your web spies are picking this up okay, because it IS important. Listen!

You know how those goons in the F.B.I. confiscated the gas station CCTV footage of the 757 crashing into the Pentagon... well, why don't you have a word with them and make them release this footage to CNN, Fox and all the other news stations. Once the American people see that it definitely was an aeroplane that collided with the Pentagon they will no longer believe there is any credibility in the conspiracy theorists who have suggested that it may have been a missile and not actually a plane.

I have to say, personally, I was surprised at how little damage the 757 did to the Pentagon - especially considering it would have had a near full payload of highly explosive aeroplane fuel - and I was surprised at how little debris there was, but I'm sure your scientists have come up with an entirely plausible explanation. They have... haven't they?

So, you guys (and gals) - you staunch defenders of democracy, freedom and the rule of the law - you just head on down and see those F.B.I. fellas and tell them how important it is that you get these gas station CCTV tapes broadcast. Don't pull any punches now. You just explain to them - coz they are a tad thick - that there are all these conspiracy theorists out there trying to undermine the government, the C.I.A. and even the good old F.B.I. and if you broadcast the tapes, which clearly show it was a plane (and not a missile) it will shut those conspiracy theorist fuckers up for good.

I'm telling you, my C.I.A. brothers and sisters, word on the street is those conspiracy theorist fuckers are beginning to reap some credibility, not just with those paranoid dope-smoking hippie sons of bitches, but with ordinary, decent, law-abiding folk. It is scary! Just the other day I watched a clip on You Tube and there - before my very eyes - was an ex-policeman declaring he believed in this conspiracy rubbish. An ex-policeman for Christ's sake! What next, the Mayor of New York?

I'm telling you, it is urgent that we stop this rot now. Get those tapes released and broadcast NOW! And, for God's sake, when you release the tapes make sure you get a whole pile of independent experts to confirm that they are authentic, otherwise those conspiracy theory fuckers will accuse you of faking them up... and we wouldn't want that now, would we?